life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
