If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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