Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
