I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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