I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
