I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
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