I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
