just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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