Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
