Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
