Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
