i just sent this text using only my big toe
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize
