So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.