I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
21 Dirty Secrets From Bachelor/Bachelorette Parties That Have Destroyed Marriages
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
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My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT