A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders