She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I just cut my nipple shaving
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
39 Memes Anyone Who Cries When They See Their Bank Account Will Relate To
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Randomize
