her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
That was an excessively violent trivia night
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
