You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Randomize
