She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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