Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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