Your face is a jimmy john
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
