This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
We are all done wearing pants today
Randomize
