I wish my penis had an off switch
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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