My nipple is on Facebook.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
