At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
My life is pants optional.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
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