Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
