Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
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