I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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