My Higher Power is John Stamos
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
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