Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
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I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
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