my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
