Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
