I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
