he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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