Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Randomize
