Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
