I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
