Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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