im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
