That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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