you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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