I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
