she woke up with a sticky ear
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
