I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
