so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
