If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
