just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
