I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
