Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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