I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
