dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
