I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
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I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
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Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
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