You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
