so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
The power of my boobs compel you
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Randomize
