Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
