i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
