I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
